May God Be With You

May God Be With You


"The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel"—which means, "God with us."
Matthew 1:23 New International Version

I am eagerly anticipating the events of Christmas. I am looking forward to talking to my daughter on Christmas day. I am looking forward to dinners with friends, watching the same seasonal movies and giving Christmas dinner to those in need. I can’t wait till the candlelit service at church where Ursula and I will sing old favorites like The First Noel and Silent Night. All of these things among others make up the most of my seasonal celebration. But it wasn’t always this way.

I remember so vividly the night I stood at the top of a bridge and started planning. The late October wind was signaling the onset of winter. The cool night air seemed to whisper a dark message through my pain and isolation that there was only one answer. I remember standing there, looking over the edge and my mind flashing images that, if I had to guess, were future events of what might happen if I stayed among the living. I saw myself speaking on the phone, eating dinner with friends, and sitting with a woman, the two of us holding candles and singing. I think I was lucky that day. Or was it more than luck that I walked away instead of jumping from that bridge? Maybe it was a bit of shame mixed with fear. The shame came from planning to throw away something that is incredibly precious to God. The fear came from worry over the consequences of not bringing the plan to completion.

I think that I left that bridge with Immanuel. I was not yet aware of what or who was with me, but in retrospect, I am sure that God was with me. When I take in a verse like this and think of its meaning, I can’t help but see something so much more special and personal: when I stood on that bridge, I was without something, and when I walked away, I had something.